When Your Biggest Fears Come True.
When you struggle with feeling broken, the last thing you want to be told is that you’re chronically ill.
About a year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. I’ve learned that not many people are well-versed in what that means , so for the sake of simplicity, let’s just say that I have tears in the protective coating that surrounds my central nerves. More Information here.
I want to share with you my journey of getting diagnosed, the thoughts that I battle being labeled as ill and what I’ve learned over this past year.
How it Happened.
February 2019, I caught a pretty bad sinus infection. I’m not one to rush off to the doctor’s office, so I thought I could just kill it off with some orange juice and extra sleep. Eye twitching joined the party, but still I wasn’t convinced that I needed to seek help. One week went by then two and I started to grow more suspicious of my “little issues.”
You’re probably thinking, “oh certainly she went to get checked out after a month of having a sinus infection and two weeks of a twitching eye.” Certainly, she did not. It wasn’t until my mouth was visibly drooped and my speech became affected that I went into full panic mode.
I was treated with antibiotics and steroids for the sinus infection, which supposedly had also caused Bell’s Palsy (face weakness or paralysis). Ahh, Answers, the alarms began to silence in my head, just as my doctor proceeded to tell me she would also be ordering an MRI and referring me to a neurologist, just to rule of the possibility of MS.
I literally told her that I had a very busy work schedule, so that wasn’t going to fit well for me (I was totally just afraid of the results). A round of steroids, three infusion treatments and two MRIs later, it was confirmed, I was graced with “holes in my brain.”
What I Thought.
The news came to me in a very odd way. One Friday afternoon, a nurse from the neurology office left me a message stating the results of my MRI were conclusive to agree with an MS diagnosis. She kindly let me know that my actual neurologist would have me in on Monday for a follow up appointment to discuss what was found. Oh absolutely perfect, a whole weekend to sit and wonder what this all really means.
Ending that voicemail, I burst into tears. After a few minutes of hysterical crying, I jammed out to Maren Morris’ Girl. Clearly,I’m so emotionally stable. My next thought was “maybe I’m finding my purpose, maybe I’m the ‘sick girl’ who inspires people to keep going.” (I had definitely just finished watching the ‘Disabled but Not Really’ episode of Queer Eye).
Here’s a fun fact. I’ve always had a semi-irrational fear that I was going to get diagnosed with a chronic illness, specifically before getting married. Guess who’s not married, that’s right, me! Upon further reflection, I now believe that God was preparing me to receive the news of being “chronically ill” and that my true fear was that it was going to make me less lovable. Who wants to be with the ‘sick girl’.
Here’s a secret: Your person won’t see you as the sick girl, they’ll just see you.
What I’ve Learned.
First, I would like to celebrate that I finally have answers as to why I felt so dysfunctional all throughout high school up ’til now! Looking back, I truly do believe that my journey with Multiple Sclerosis began sometime back in my teen years.
This past year has taught me to value myself. Before I knew I had MS, I would stretch myself thinner than thin for the convenience of other people. The fear of missing out always held priority over whatever message my body was screaming at me. Having a chronic illness is almost a full-time job itself, sometimes fun things have to ‘suffer’ so my health can thrive. MS has helped me to make decisions that are best for me and trust that real friends will understand and journey along. Over this past year, I’ve also began to understand what it means when other people who’ve become sick or suffered from the loss of something say they “wouldn’t go back and change it.” Even though being diagnosed with a chronic illness was supposedly one of my biggest fears, I believe that it was meant to be a part of my story and is helping to shape me into a pretty cool chick.
- I’ve learned that no two days feel the same.
- I’ve learned that my brain and body are friends, they just forget sometimes and it’s my job to remind them.
- However long I think it’s going to take to do something- add about an hour and a half.
- Just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean the I can’t do it, I might just have to find a different way.
- Balance… lol, what’s that?
What Not to Say to Someone with Chronic Illness.
- Have you tried essential oils
- You don’t look sick
- So you’re going to be sick for like EVER?
- I know how you feel (unless you too have a chronic illness)
- At least it isn’t ———–
Making Honey With Thyme 