Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner.

Except Baby Herself.

Haven’t I told you that I love a good movie character reference.

Well, in this case, I’m Baby. This past year and a half has done a number on me. I’ve had to learn to live with an unexpected diagnosis and less than thrilling treatment plan, seen the darkest corners of my mental illness, witnessed the final tear in an unhealthy marriage, all while living completely alone for the first time.

These things hurt me, they brought up insecurities and questions that I was afraid the lies I heard in my head would end up being the true answers to. So I coped. I ran to things benign enough to not be inherently bad, yet creating an unhealthy enough habit to keep me stuck. I’m talking Netflix, Youtube and Spotify…just trying to turn up the volume to drown out the things that seemed to haunt me.

My prayers got smaller and voice quieter, my new objective, go unnoticed. I started to see all the pain and brokenness I’ve experienced and felt as all I had to offer. This not only led me to retreat from community but I also began to give my family permission to give up on me. Spoiler alert, they never did.

I’ve found that the darker the room, the more you noticed if a light is turned on. Amongst some of my darkest moments and deepest pain, God was still shining his light on me. His Holy Spirit still speaking sweetly from within me, guiding me back to truth when lies rushed in. I’ve been learning what “hills and valleys” truly means, what growth actually feels like and how broken this world really is. I know I am not defined by what has been said, done or wrongly placed on me, or my inevitable failure to get it “all right”. With that, I can’t say that I’ve made it back to the center of the room, but I’ve at least stood up from the corner. I’ve been praying for a renewed confidence and boldness to go where God has prepared for me and use my voice again. If you can relate to this, then I pray those same things over you.

I hope that you have people that can sit with you and help you out of the corner, if not, here’s my invitation for you to take my hand and let’s walk out together.