How People Pleasing Made Me Sick.
It’s easy for me to lose myself, I found that out the hard way. I like to feel useful to others, I need to be reminded of my value. I know that I am a child of God and that if I never did another successful thing on paper, that fact would be more than enough for my value to remain. But as expressed before, I’ve got a messy mind. I sometimes still hear the question, “what if I just don’t matter?”
So I give. I give my yes, my resources, time and energy. I pour out, forgetting to refill. I start to value the people I’m pouring out to more than I value myself. More specifically, I start to value their opinions. This launches me into a fear of decisions. We face decisions every day, some big, some small, but when the opinions of others are tied to those decisions- they all feel crippling.
I realized that I was trying to make my life work for everyone around me. I even took on working 14 hour days to hold on to the life I’m currently living. As hard as I tried to hold on to the now, I knew I was being called to the next. Still, it took a drastic happening to shift my perspective. My first MS relapse since being diagnosed. The stress of trying to keep everyone happy (along with an untreated immune system) was the perfect recipe for a new “hole in my brain”.
I didn’t need much more convincing after this to lay down my current reality and start setting up for a reset. It was time to have the tough conversations, to put down some things I had just started, to let go of things I had tied to my purpose. Through it all, I’ve been learning that loving yourself includes making the decisions that benefit the well being of the person you were created to be. It took a while but I’m getting there. With the help of good friends, processing on paper, prayer and a laptop sticker nudging me to do the “next right thing”… I’m making a decision for me, not selfishly but in honor of the life I’ve been gifted.
Hear me when I say, I believe we were made for service, I’m not preaching the “make yourself the main character” narrative… but service at the expense of caring for yourself will quickly become a detriment to your health.
When you’re in the right places, things can end gracefully. Nobody that I sat down with responded in any of the ways I could have feared. Even if they had, I would have survived. We cannot control the opinions or reactions of those around us and we certainly cannot live for them. A lot of my twenties has been learning the lessons of the truth I already know. I used to blame myself for coming up on change sooner than I thought I would, as if I chose the wrong path to begin with… But I’m learning that seasons can be short and still have been meant to happen. Our purpose isn’t limited to the way we think things should go.
Making Honey With Thyme 