feeling, wanting, wondering
I haven’t said much today. Everything already feels noisy; today I need silence, space to listen.
I don’t know how your thanksgiving went, hopefully well, but I know there are some people out there like me where this time of year doesn’t feel so fun. Maybe you’ve lost someone you loved and the holidays feel incomplete, maybe family has never been your favorite word, maybe you feel unlovable because here you sit at the end of another year, alone. Whatever the case, it’s okay if the day(s) just feel hard.
Feeling
There are no bad emotions. Stop the guilt right there. I’ve blamed myself enough for the both of us so you don’t have to. It took me a while to fully accept that my experience with emotions was not only okay, but intentional…healthy even. Imagine not having any indicator for what is going on inside of us, we would all explode. God loves us enough to give us language to put to the hard ups and downs of human life. Jesus himself experienced sorrow (John 11:35), joy (John 15:11), love (Ephesians 5:2) even anger (Mark 3:5) and distress (Luke 22:44).
So, spoiler alert… you’re not wrong for feeling sad. Emotions themselves are not problems to be fixed but offerings to take to God. Don’t let the enemy’s lies disguised as emotions (that God didn’t create) join the party.
Wanting
We’re all more accustomed to speaking of the things we want around this time of year, but what if none of the things you’re hoping for can just be picked up at the store. I want a family, one of my own. The displays of love and togetherness that I’ve seen around me have major gaps. I don’t want separation, divorce and disfunction to be the only picture of family that I know. I want to walk in the design of Marriage and Parenthood, committed to breaking that chain. When you want good things, it’s hard not to feel like the longer it takes to get there, the less worthy of them you are.
If you find yourself here, there’s this girl in the Bible named Hannah, you should really get to know her. Hannah had the marriage, she wanted a child. She prayed and prayed and cried and waited, over and over. I go to Hannah’s story often. She was sad, at times bitter, and God still loved her, he saw her and cared for her. (Read 1 Samuel 1)
Whatever you are wanting right now, not having it is not an indication of any lack of worth or love from God. I am preaching that to myself as we speak.
Wondering
It’s easy to wait when you have a date to wait to. We love a good countdown! What about when you don’t know if what you’re waiting on is actually coming? This is genuine question I have, something I’m still working through. How do I attach enough hope to my wait that I don’t give up on wanting yet not make the object of my waiting an expectation that may never be met. If you have tips let me know.
I recently have been drawn to the word- reframe- my favorite definition: to change the focus or perspective of through a lens. When we start to cling too tight to the things that we’re hoping for, it might be time to step back and ask the hard question “am I making this the point?” Word it however you will, but are you focusing more on what you’re waiting for than who you’re waiting with. It’s a crazy privilege to get to any of this life connected to God and genuinely if he never gave us another gift outside of Jesus we would still have all we ever need. This is the lens needed to reframe.
Long story short, this life is super complex. we can add a lot of unnecessary pressure to ourselves by placing expectations on our emotional state, and making up times things should have happened by. It’s okay if you’re not where you want to be, if you want things you don’t yet have and if you don’t see the path to get there. The harder truth is it’s okay if they never come.
Making Honey With Thyme 